Tag Archives: body image

Thinking Out Loud: Recovery Update

Not only has it been a couple of week since I joined Amanda‘s Thinking Out Loud Thursday link-up, but it’s also been awhile since I addressed how I’m doing (since moving to Boston) with my ongoing ED recovery journey. (If you’re new to my blog, you can read about my past and progress on my About Me.) I thought I’d go for a combo and update everyone in a random-thoughts format. But the bottom line is: It’s going pretty well!

1. I’ve found a therapist…for now at least. The person I’m seeing (we’ve had about 4 bi-weekly sessions at this point) is not nearly as helpful (so far) as my therapist in CT, but at the same time I haven’t felt as much of a “need” to see a therapist since I’m just so busy and also quite happy here, so I guess I’d call her good enough. I honestly didn’t have the energy to keep looking for someone…this person is a five minute walk from my office, so I can just pop out and see her over a lunch break and then come back. I just haven’t been getting a ton out of the appointments, except the chance to talk at someone and get feedback. Yet perhaps at this point that’s all I really need. I’m still thinking on this one.

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Getting My Marvelous Priorities Straight

I am blogging today from Mexico and seriously planned for the last week to title this post “Marvelous Mexico”. But I have other stuff on my mind today because I woke up the morning of my departure with yet another illness. Seriously, I never used to get sick and this is the second time in two weeks. Has anyone else ever moved from the suburbs to the city and suddenly found themselves getting sick more often? Let’s hope this isn’t a continuing trend.

Thanks Katie for hosting this link-up every week!

Whenever I go on vacation, I like to work out first thing in the morning so I can feel less guilty about the rest of the day just laying out in the sun, going outside my food/drink box a bit more, and being fairly inactive in general. Some people like to spend their vacations exploring their surroundings and doing outdoor activities. That’s fine, but to be honest I like to sit on my butt in the sun and go out to eat.

i just couldn’t not have a drink with the rest of my family to celebrate our arrival at the hotel, but it definitely knocked me out.

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Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday: Recovery

I really enjoyed the last Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday I participated in (thanks as always Alex for the idea!) and Carly’s amazing and honest post yesterday inspired me to take a similar topic and combine it with Trade ‘Em Up. There are plenty of moments when I still find myself missing the days of my eating disorder and the various sources of the “high” it gave me. But there are also plenty of sacrifices I made that I would not want to have to make again. So today I’m going to share what I would not trade, and what I sometimes want to trade, about recovery. Please be aware that the trades are not things I plan to do or think are a good idea to do! But it helps to take the voices in my head and put them here on this blog, so I can sort out those thoughts of temptation to slip back into old habits. I would not trade…cheese and nut butter. I remember the first sandwich I ordered with cheese on it, once I started treatment. I did it so I could tell my nutritionist I had done so, and not feel like I was lying to her (except I was already lying about a bunch of other stuff). But that first bite was…heavenly. My body seriously reacted to the fat in an almost scary way…that’s how deprived I was. I ate that sandwich SO freaking slowly, savoring every last bit of the cheese, even though there wasn’t all too much on there (of course I’d asked for light on the cheese). I also used to freak out if I ate nut butter more than two days in a row, and even then only one serving was okay, measured out and all. Now I love cheese so much, more than I ever did even before my ED began. I adore trying new nut butters and think a banana almost tastes sad without one (unless Chobani is involved).

Yes it was MY idea to order this Cask Republic cheese plate a couple of weeks ago.

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If I’m Being Honest…

If I’m being honest…I have not been in a good mental place the last few days and need to vent. I feel as if I need to write out the thoughts berating me so that I can make sense of them, figure out what to do in response to them, and/or try to quiet them.

If I’m being honest…I don’t remember the last time (since starting recovery) that I felt so dissatisfied with my body. I hate every photo I see and every angle looks bad in the mirror. I’m at this point where I really feel this want to “clean up” my diet. I want to “tone up”. I want to change the way my body looks. And what’s really annoying is I don’t know how to do that and not have an eating disorder. I don’t know if it’s “okay” to want to do that. When does that stop being called restriction? When does it stop being considered disordered behavior? Clare wrote a good post about this…can I be healthy in recovery? Can I make an effort to “clean up” my eats without falling prey to ED?

If I’m being honest…I am not in a place where I can try to “eat cleaner” without it being about my ED. Because the urge to restrict and deprive myself is seriously stronger right now than it has been in awhile. I’m still trying to learn to be okay with enjoying the food and drinks I love, so cutting back on some of them is going to hinder that journey. I keep seeing people Instagram their #eatclean-worthy meals and their heart rate monitors and their mile upon mile long runs and their brags about ordering water instead of a drink – and I want to do that. I want to get lost in that “look at me I’m so healthy” mindset so I can feel good about myself again. Now I’m not saying that I plan to do this. I’m not saying it is the answer…but I miss that high from looking back on my day and knowing I only ate X and didn’t eat Y.

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Checking Myself to Wreck Myself

Without the scale, I have latched on to a couple of bad habits to “keep track” of changes in my body. One is psycho-analyzing how my pants fit. The other is body checking.

I’ve been wanting to write a post addressing body checking ever since Sam discussed the topic (almost a year ago!) on her amazing blog (a must-read for anyone interested in eating disorders and recovery). The truth is, though I have gotten better about it, I still body check. My stomach is the area of my body I am most self conscious about, and it is hard to resist the urge to lift up my shirt and look in the mirror during the day just to see what it looks like. I often examine my body from many different angles in the morning when I am getting dressed, and/or in the evening before/after I shower. This sounds like an extremely vain practice and it’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but I do it.

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My 2014 New Year’s Resolution

After you read this post I must insist you go read this funny one from Kaitlin! I am definitely guilty of several things on the list but am also with her on many of them. If the world made a resolution against progress pics and ab Instagrams, I’d be the top supporter!

I don’t usually even make New Year’s resolutions but I just happened to feel inspired to make this one around 12/31, so I’m going to call it a New Year’s resolution. My dad got very upset at first when he heard what my resolution was but hear me out: I want to make more of an effort when it comes to my appearance. Let me explain.

I’m not talking about working out more, eating “cleaner”, etc. I’m talking about blow-drying my hair, putting on eyeliner, and dressing nicely. You may remember my reflections about how much better I felt on a very mentally blah day in Florida – the day I arrived there. I felt tired and large and let my mental blahs translate into feeling like I looked blah – and should stay that way. But if feeling mentally blah makes me think I look blah, why can’t looking awesome make me feel mentally awesome? Why can’t it go both ways? It can!

Before a night out in Florida – I took the time to blow dry my hair and my sis curled it for me!

I encounter plenty of days when I want to wear my glasses, put my hair in a messy bun, and rock yoga pants. Sometimes doing so makes me feel cozy, especially post-gym on the weekend. But other times when I haven’t worked out or when I’m feeling guilty about a previous night out at an event or restaurant, I’m tempted to just retreat into myself and hide in stretchy pants. I don’t feel like trying to make myself look nice because I feel as if I don’t deserve to look nice.

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On The Up and Up in Florida!

I hope you guys enjoyed my recap of my father/daughter traditional trip to NYC! It was a great time but the food and drinks definitely got to me and my travel day to Florida this past Sunday was a bit rough in a mental sense. I just felt gross the entire day after getting up really early for my flight (I got around 6 or 7 hours of sleep but Sarah understands…I swear any less than 8 and I’m a mess). I was wearing a slobby travel outfit, had on my glasses, and my hair was in a not-so-chic rat’s nest bun. I felt ridiculously dehydrated, so much so that I couldn’t even finish a little bit of coffee. My pants felt tight (even pants of the yoga variety!) and all I felt like doing once we got to yoga was 40 minutes of P90X Yoga…not nearly “enough”, in my head. To be honest with you, I found myself restricting my intake all that day. I just wanted to feel better about myself. It didn’t really work…it often doesn’t. That’s the lesson I seem to still be learning.

A very Florida Christmas.

A very Florida Christmas.

What DID make me feel better was having a snack after yoga, taking a shower, and deciding to make myself look presentable for our dinner at Duffy’s. I always visit this local chain when I visit; my family consistently looks forward to our Duffy’s dinner. So that was a perfect destination for our first night in town. Putting in some extra effort to blow-dry and straighten my hair, and also putting on a cute breezy outfit, definitely had me feeling better upon our arrival at the restaurant.

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I Hate Pants

I woke up this morning with the urge to write this post so what I had planned for today will be up tomorrow. Now “hate” is a strong word. And I know that pants, especially given the fact that it’s sleeting outside in CT right now, are necessary at times. But I have to say, pants are my least favorite article of clothing. Pants have the power (or I give them the power) to completely change my mood. Pants give me a number that my mind can grasp upon and use to beat me up. Pants are a form of measurement, and when the measuring consists of noticing that you absolutely don’t need a belt with pants you used to need one with, it’s really enough to make you want to throw the pants in a heap and live in yoga pants.

Maxis are nice too.

Bikinis get a bad rap as being the dreaded article of clothing for those with body image issues. But I beg to differ. At least when I wear a bikini, I can put something on over it to cover it up and feel fine. Bikinis have stretchy waists that are sometimes even adjustable. Though I’ve been experiencing anxiety about wearing a bathing suit in Florida at the end of this month, it isn’t comparable to the anxiety I feel each morning I wake up and have to put on a pair of jeans that have just been washed.

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Skinny Doesn’t Have To Mean Sick

I alluded to this post in this week’s Marvelous In My Monday. Now, I don’t like the word “skinny” because I think it’s too often used as a stupid label. So I hope this post’s title doesn’t turn anyone off. But it was the first one that came to mind and I couldn’t think of a better alternative. And despite my aversion for the word “skinny”, I have to be honest…it’s what I want to be. The desire to be skinny, stay skinny, get skinny, is in my head for a good chunk of each day. A much larger chunk than I’d like. But since I’m still in recovery, I guess that’s what I have to deal with. I just hope there’s an end point to that.

Source

I had a really good conversation with my therapist on Friday, during which she brought up an excellent point. I was telling her about last Wednesday night and how I got really full at dinner and almost had to make sure that I felt guilty about it afterwards. Why? So that I wouldn’t “be bad” again. I went through the exact same thing after my trip to Boston (and the restaurant hopping it included) over the weekend. There were actually a few moments on Sunday when I felt like I could easily push the ED thoughts aside and just move on with my day, but as soon as that notion entered my mind I felt a panic. How could I allow myself to feel the self love that I’d need to feel to push the thoughts aside and recognize that I deserve to enjoy life? In my mind that would only mean one thing…weight gain.

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Friday Five: All the Topics

Thanks for the well wishes on my belated two-year blogiversary post yesterday! Your comments never fail to make me say “aw, shucks”.

I have a thousand ideas for posts bouncing around in my head and a bunch of stuff to talk about so how about I just do a Friday Five? That way I can talk about five of all the things. Killing five birds with one stone, or five topics with one blog post for the PETA-members out there.

1. The Onyx Moonshine Gatsby Ball is tonight!

I go to a lot of events and I can’t remember the last time I was this excited for one. Onyx is an awesome local company I have worked with since I started my blog and I was thrilled to be invited to their Moonshine Ball & Onyx 111 Infusion Challenge tonight at the Wadsworth Mansion at Long Hill in Middletown (where Kaitlin is getting married next year!). I’ve got a flapper dress and fedora packed to change into after the gym, and am ready for some yummy eats from Wood-n-Tap. Some great restaurants (Krust and Pond House Grill for example) are participating in the infusion challenge, which uses the newer Onyx 111 proof. I and other guests will get a chance to try and vote on the infusions, and local foodie judges will make the final decision as to which restaurant will be crowned champion! I am attending with Kat and am so excited to dance the night away!

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This is the dress! This pic was taken in June 2009 – I have gotten great wear out of the dress for several Halloween/costume events and many friends have borrowed it and done the same! Best thing is it cost about $20 from Forever 21.

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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